"Turkey" - symbolically speaking

This past Thanksgiving was such an emotional Thanksgiving for me. My dad has been gone for almost five years next month (12.29.04).

Since I've been married, every year we "normally" have two Thanksgivings. Usually we first hit up wherever all my family is meeting, which is usually at Auntie Olita's house, and then we head over to have dinner at Ben's parents house in San Mateo. This year, my husbands parents were working so we were unable to spend time with them this year. As for spending time with my family, us Maile kids decided to have our own Thanksgiving at Blossom and Nita's house, after meeting up at Dad's cemetery. As everyone confirmed they would be coming via text, we then set the menu. I gave out the assignments which were as follows: Blossom would make mashed potatoes and stuffing, Phill/Suzette would make a meat dish of their choice, Nita was assigned cheese bread, Angel would make a veggie dish and Ben and I would make tri-tip. As the days got closer to Thanksgiving, I was thinking I would switch my dish from tri-tip to making a turkey. Yes it is Thanksgiving but my siblings and I would actually rather have tri-tip than a turkey. I decided to make a turkey instead because the "bird" just felt right. It's kind of like a "universal-rule" that turkey goes with Thanksgiving, so we MUST have one. Also, I've never not seen or not had turkey on Thanksgiving.

I have cooked many things in my lifetime. I mean, I LOVE to cook. I love spending every free moment (when not with my family) I have in the kitchen. It's funny because growing up it wasn't like I cooked all the time, but i did watch my dad hook up a kitchen on a nightly basis ;) As for turkeys, hands down my Auntie Olita makes the BEST turkey! Her turkey every year is MOIST, JUICY, FLAVORFUL, BROWNED & NEVER DRY! (can you tell I LOVE FOOD?!?) This year I asked my wonderful Aunt for her recipe, as to how she makes her "bird." The directions were as follows:

Brine turkey 6-12 hours.
Brine includes: 3 gallons of cold water, 1 1/2c. Koshers salt, fresh thyme, rosemary and garlic & pepper. Brine for 6-12 hours depending on size. Pat dry, let air dry for one half hour before butter rub.

Butter rub includes: butter, garlic powder, paprika, and pepper. Rub butter all over turkey including under breast. Place bird on a bed of cut/uncut veggies. Place foil over bird, and cook for one hour at 425 degrees. After one hour turn oven down to 350 degrees and cook for remainder of time. 45 minutes before turkey is done, uncover foil to brown.

As I was prepping late Wednesday night for the brine, I felt so lazy and powerless (if that makes any sense). My arms felt heavy, my eyelids felt like they were drooping over my eyeballs ready to touch my cheeks. My feet were lagging, my shoulders felt weighed on, and my heart was just "hurting." As I prepared myself to make the brine, my thoughts were turned to my childhood, for the SIMPLE fact that for the first time in my life I was making the "turkey!" Yes, sounds so simple, and you would think that a 25 year old should have NO PROBLEM doing something so simple as to following a recipe. It's not like it was my first time using an oven or something!

Growing up, my house, the "AMHERST" (**saying it LOUD & PROUD!**) was the house that united our immediate and extended families every year. It was the house we would all toga'i at after church, on Sundays. It was the house that taught me the importance of my individuality. It was the house that I learned what my divine-role in life would be. It was the house that many called "home."

Honestly I vaguely remember what the turkey tasted like, looked like, or how it was cooked every Thanksgiving. The turkey was never important to me. In fact I always thought turkey tasted like chicken, and believe me being on a budget growing up we had ENOUGH chicken on a nightly basis in our house. I never saw it necessary to have even the "taste" of chicken on a special occasion/holiday. Hence, turkey was nothing special to me. - Yet this year, turkey was everything to me. It was more than a symbol of Thanksgiving, it was a symbol of my childhood, and it was incomplete without it.

Question, so why was I so emotional as I made my very fist turkey this year?

When I was younger every Thanksgiving and Christmas there was always a turkey made by either my mom or one of my aunts. Actually everything cooked was made by my mom or my aunts. We of course helped out where help was needed but the "cooking" was done by the "grown-folks" (as was our dinners cooked by my daddy every single night) Wednesday afternoon, as I contemplated the steps for the turkey, I couldn't help but to feel overwhelmed. Not overwhelmed because I felt it was too hard. NO! Heck; water, garlic, pepper, some fresh herbs, & butter were the easiest ingredients to rub on a turkey. I was overwhelmed by the fact that, there is nobody here to make "my" turkey. It made me realize my mom has her own life in Utah. We, or maybe I should say I, am grown. I have a family of my own. My father has been gone almost 5 years next month. It made me realize, I am not a little girl anymore. I have to and had to step up. Because I have my own little family, I have to make these holidays and traditions just as important to my kids as they were and are to me.

Although my dad has been gone for almost five years, this realization made me miss him all over again. On this Thanksgiving Eve, I felt at my saddest point of longing for my dad again. After my dad passed away, we were so busy with the funeral arrangements that it wasn't until the moment we buried my father that I felt that "long-suffering" pain, I had never felt before. This day, the day I prepared "my" turkey was a reminder of that "long-suffering" pain and loneliness I had felt as they lowered my fathers casket into the ground, yet I knew I had to get through it. I knew that it would take faith on my part. I knew that I could long for my childhood as much as I wanted to, but in reality I will have to create that special part of "life" also known as "childhood" for my own children. By making this turkey, as it is a symbol of my childhood, I hope (for my children) through the years it will symbolically illustrate more than just a "holiday" but traditions of their childhood.

"When you finally go back to your old neighborhood, you realize it isn't the old house you missed, but your childhood."